After treatment and a little play time at the beach, my friends went home today. I cried as soon as they pulled out of their parking spot. This seemed a little odd, since I hadn't cried after any of my other visitors left. I realized, though, that they are the last visitors I plan to receive during my time here in Charleston. I'm alone and homesick, but in the last stretch. By this blog's calendar, treatment 31 will be my last day here. It would have been thirty, but the one day with the equipment down has to be tacked onto the end.
I had another catering gig tonight. Dr. Ruth was there! She is incredibly short and pretty old, but still quite spry. I didn't speak to her personally, but I overheard her talking to other people and her accent and smile are adorable. This was my first seated event (versus banquet style), and I didn't care much for it. There was a lot of standing around waiting for people to leave while their guest speakers gave their speeches. We weren't allowed to be in the banquet room while the speeches were going on, which was unfortunate. The event was a recognition of top performers in their fields, and I'm sure some of it would have been inspiring.
After the event, I called my boyfriend. It started with a normal conversation, but soon my tears were flowing again. This time, I didn't just cry, I wept. We're talking snot-dripping, tears in my hair and mouth, red-faced, wailing kind of sobs. I'm not a crying kind of chick, so twice in one day seemed ridiculous.
I can't really explain all my tears today. It was like all my emotions were balled into one snot flavored wad. There were happy tears. My one friend, who is generally about as warm and fuzzy as I am (which is not at all publicly, but we're softer at heart), told me how proud she was of me for finding this treatment and following through with it. My other friend shared the excitement of her new pregnancy with me. Her daughter called me Aunt Stephanie, even though I'm not biologically related to her at all. I felt so loved.
There were also sad tears and anxious tears and lonely tears. I miss home. I'm worried that treatment won't "stick". I want to be held by my boyfriend and licked by my dogs.
Talking to my boyfriend was good. He is my biggest fan. I know that depression has made me hard to live with for everyone in my life. Friends and family are able to miss out on the darkest moments, but my boyfriend is close enough that he can't avoid it all. What makes him amazing is that he wouldn't choose to avoid the dark moments; he really wants to be with me through good and bad. I know he'll stick with me on this journey no matter how it turns out, and he'll do his part to see that everything turns out happily ever after.
Enough of that warm and fuzzy... the point of all this is that I still have emotion. That, of course, is good. I don't want to be blunted. Some days are still going to be hard. Nothing about this hard day made me want to die, which is my little victory. I just want to go home, happy and healthy. It looks like I'm headed that way.
Now I feel terrible that we left early! Really, not liking the whole leaving you in tears, but I do think some of that could be good to get out. Watch Steele Magnolia's if you need to cry and then laugh and then feel proud to be southern. Also I think the anxiety about leaving is totally normal. No fun, but normal. They set your treatment length based on their experience of what WORKS. Thank god this wasn't a test to see if shorter times would work! You are doing great and in the home stretch. Finish strong!
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