Today I miss home. I'm not talking about my boyfriend, my dogs, my housemate, my friends and my job. I've missed most of those since day one. Today I miss all the other little conveniences and luxuries that make up home.
I miss having a kitchen equipped with an oven, a collander, butter, sugar and more than one pot. I miss having my washer and dryer in the same building where I reside. I would kill for a shower with any kind of water pressure and decent temperature control. I want my bed. I need to tinker in my basement and kill unwanted greenery in my yard.
Though it may not read like it, treatment still goes well. I think that I would be in a very bad place right now if I were here going through this without that added help. I'm still very optimistic that this is the big game changer for me.
As far as side effects go, they are minimal. Despite my more active lifestyle here (walking and biking daily), I'm pretty sure I've put on a few more pounds. I suppose that is explained by the microwave meals and convenience snacks, but it's not like I've ever been queen of healthy meals. I've had a few minor headaches. My tooth fillings still hurt a little during treatment. If I don't grip the chair arm, my left arm wants to twitter about when the device is actively tapping. It's no big deal except when I try to turn the page in my book.
I still have nightmares almost every night, but that's been around since I started taking antidepressants more than fifteen years ago. Lately, they seem to cause more sleep disturbance than usual, but that may be in part due to the unfamiliar, uncomfortable bed. Most nights, I'm waking up between four and five, and staying awake for about two hours before drifting off again. This is definitely a new development since beginning treatment. Interestingly, that kind of sleep pattern is associated with depression. I didn't have it before but do now.
My official diagnosis at the start of this was Major Depressive Disorder with Melancholic Features. One of the distinguishing features of this type of depression is that symptoms are worse in the morning. That is definitely still the case for me. It's about more than just not being a 'morning person'. I wake up most mornings filled with dread and immediately berating myself for things I've failed at or anticipate failing at.
Another feature is a strong sense of guilt. I still feel guilty for very minor mistakes I made twenty years ago. For example, I was the bailiff in mock trials once in ninth or tenth grade. The teacher had told me that, because these 'hearings' were just for fun, the judge would sometimes forget to swear in witnesses at the start of testimony. She told me that if that happened, I should just politely remind the judge.
Because this instruction was so burned into my head, I didn't notice when the judge did swear everyone in. Thinking I was doing a great job, I said, "Excuse me, your Honor. Are you going to swear the witnesses in?"
He replied, "I thought that's what we just did."
I understand that this is minor, and that probably no one besides me ever gave it a second thought. But here I am, twenty years later, and I still feel my face flush with embarrassment when I think of it. And I have a million other stories like that which add to my feelings of guilt. I could talk all night about mistakes I've made, but be hard pressed to name ten -- nay, five -- things I've accomplished that I'm proud of. So far, I think treatment is working well on my depression, but the 'melancholic features' are still shining through.
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