Dr. Li is on vacation this week, so Dr. George is handling my treatment all week. Dr. George heads the program and handled my input exam. He was an early advocate for rTMS and has been a pioneer in the field. When he first started his research, people thought he was crazy. Now he's highly respected and recognized as an expert on magnetic brain stimulation.
Dr. George doesn't do as much of the hands-on work these days, so he was a little awkward in setting up the device for me. Still, he got everything going and I received the same treatment I always have, with the "hammer" hitting the same spots at the same intensity for the same length of time.
During treatment, Dr. George asked me how I felt the treatment was coming along. I told him that I felt improved but not cured. I explained that my morning melancholy was still with me, and that I sometimes still dipped at various times through the day. Overall, I'm improved, but I'm greedy and want more. I don't want to just be better, I want to be cured.
Dr. George quickly reminded me that "cured" isn't really a word we use in mental health. Rather, we strive for remission. Essentially, remission means that I will feel and act "cured", but the symptoms of depression can return at any time. If they do, rTMS will likely be helpful again. Hopefully, remission will last at least several years.
Based on my responses, Dr. George indicated that I was right on track with the progress that most people experience who go on to remission. A few more weeks and I could be there too.
After treatment, it was my day for a depression screening. I had the good nurse again, which meant a better experience but no indication of my score. I think next week I'll just ask her to tally it while I'm there.
When she asked me if I had thoughts of wanting to die this week, I was able to tell her no for the first time. My qualifying statement, though, was that I had seen a dead dog on the side of the road and had actually felt jealous of it for being able to escape life. I don't know if it's more pathetic that I was jealous of the dog or that that is considered an improvement.
I am improved, though. Enough so that I know it. That's the important thing to remind myself.
This makes me happy! I like optimism!
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