As expected, I had a depression screening today. I had the nurse whom I prefer (not the lip gloss applying one), but she doesn't tell me my score. Still, I can assume my score improved, as my attitude is certainly better. It's not nearly as stressful to answer questions about wanting to kill yourself when you don't want to kill yourself.
Treatment was standard. Dr. Li has to stay in the room with me throughout my thirty-seven minutes to make sure nothing goes wrong and to make sure the device stays in place (he usually adjusts it once or twice mid-treatment). He always looks like he's busy doing official business, but today I noticed as I was leaving that he was reading an article on Newt Gingrich. More productive than surfing craigslist, I guess.
I feel really good today. I have for several days in a row now. Feeling better is impacting me in more ways than I would have guessed. It's not just about wanting to live or feeling more alive. I have more appreciation for the people in my life. When my depression is at its lowest, other people are just a necessary evil in the world that I avoid as much as possible. I don't want to explain to them why I'm down, or pretend that I'm not. I just want to escape. I don't think people are bad, nor do I suddenly dislike my friends, I just am too deep in my own mess to want to be bothered.
I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling now, except that I'm starting to soften in places that had long ago hardened. I don't really remember a significant period in my life that wasn't affected by depression, but I'm hopeful that I'm heading into my first major remission and possibly a cure.
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