I've heard it in my personal life, professionally, and even on episodes of Intervention: "It's been XX years. Why can't you just get over it?"
It's an understandable question. I can assure you that even the victim asks that question of themselves from time to time. With enough time, it may not be forgotten, but it seems like it should become a matter of history, the way you may tell the story of a broken leg in third grade without still feeling the pain. But it's different.
No one can fully understand it who hasn't had it happen. Here's my closest analogy: Imagine that your youngest child died. It doesn't matter whether they died suddenly in an accident or if they had any illness that was known to lead to death. Either way, it's tragic because it's a child. Initially, you may respond to your grief in a number of ways. You may withdraw. You may want to have more children or you might choose to never have another child. You will likely be angry, sad, and in denial at various points. You may be so hurt that your marriage fails.
Now, imagine yourself ten or twenty years later. You are probably no longer immobilized by grief, but you are no where near forgetting that child. You can probably talk about him or her with only a twinge of pain, but it's the little unexpected reminders that hurt the most. Perhaps you see another child who reminds you of the one you lost. Maybe the smell of cocoa reminds you of the snow day you had together that ended with hot chocolate. You might find one of her hairbows in a box in the attic. These unexpected reminders are the ones that bring the most emotion. You've gotten used to saying her name, but you'd forgotten how soft her hair was in that bow. You get caught in those moments.
When you're molested, it begins with that same tragic blow. Whether it happens once or over the course of years, it still hurts. Some people withdraw. Some people become hypersexual; some are never interested in sex again. You will likely be angry, sad, and in denial at various points. You may be so hurt that your relationships fail.
Ten or twenty years later, you have moved on but not forgotten. You may be able to talk about it, but you'll still be caught off-guard by reminders. Your boyfriend asks you to rub his tummy, and it reminds you of the "white jelly" that grandpa would have on his. Someone walks by wearing the same Old Spice. A friend makes a joke about how saggy an old man's scrotum gets, and you remember where and when you learned that first-hand.
It makes me angry when those reminders come up, especially since I'm not always prepared. I don't want to feel like my grandfather still has that power over me after all these years. Often, it's the furthest thing from my mind, which makes it hit harder when it arrives. Essentially, it feels like my grandpa murdered my own child, which was me. I hurt and I grieve and I still feel raw about it, even after all these years. My experience with molestation carried on for years and was followed by rape, so I have a lot of fodder for memories and triggers.
If you know someone who this happened to, allow them to grieve. Yes, normal life should eventually resume, but it's a life that has been touched by tragedy. Try to understand and try to help them move forward. How? Listen. Let them talk without feeling like you're thinking, "Not this again". Respond with love and compassion. Tell them you're sorry for all the hurts, and you're proud of them for being strong enough to make it through. Tell them all the other things in life about them that make you proud. Their molestors made them feel horrible about themselves; remind them that they are good and worthy and loved. Even if it's been XX years.
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