Four Weeks at Home

It's been a while since I posted a blog. I've discovered it's a lot harder to keep up with from home. Not only do I have a job and all my other obligations eating my time, but it's also harder to do with other people around. Partly, it's just harder having the distractions of other people and finding the quiet reflection time that goes best with writing. Mostly, having people around makes me want to write about them and their changed relationships with me, but I think it's important to not do that. This is a place for my stories, and while others may be part of those stories, I try to keep them out of my blog for their own privacy.

So out of respect for others, I won't talk about the bumps in the road my relationships have seen since I came back. I'll just say that I have notably changed, and even good change can mean disruption and discord. It has brought positive relationship changes as well, but those never seem so all-encompassing and thought-provoking.

The biggest change I notice in myself is a renewed interest in things I used to enjoy but had lost interest in. For me, that mostly means just getting stuff accomplished. That may mean reconfiguring my office layout or taking another attempt at raccoon-proofing my garbage cans. The joy for me is in the accomplishment more so than in the actual task. I guess that's enjoying the destination more than the journey.

I think I'm also more relaxed and content. Stuff still gets on my nerves from time to time, but the anger doesn't seem to stay with me as long. I feel like I spend less time with my defenses up, watching for the way someone is going to hurt me next. It's still there though.

My lingering issues include a generally low self-esteem. Mostly, I don't ever feel like I've done enough. Enough for who? Enough of what? Even I don't know the answers to those questions, but I just know it's not enough. I come up short in some way in nearly everything I do. I guess that's why I enjoy accomplishing tasks so much... it feels done. It feels Enough.

I still have to check in with MUSC every two weeks to report my feelings and discuss the success (or lack thereof) of my treatment. Tomorrow is my next check-in. I still consider it a success (NOT lack thereof). Life is different. Life is good.