I've been home from my rTMS treatment for about two and a half months or so, and figured it was time to update everyone.
I felt pretty darn good after my treatment, but was worried that it was mostly placebo effect or something that would "wear off". At times I've been watchful of my behavior, looking for every peak and valley. At other times, I haven't been looking, but have noticed in hindsight some interesting behaviors.
Here are a few biggies:
A week or two ago, I was driving down the road and saw a dead dog. My immediate thought was, "Poor thing, it didn't deserve that. I wish it could have at least seen a better end." I quickly remembered that it was only a few months ago that I had been envious of a different dead animal on the side of the road, wishing I could escape life as it had. What a difference!
I've also had several events that had early morning starts lately. Mornings have always been my hardest time. It was more than me just not being a morning person (I'm still not a morning person); it was a symptom of melancholic depression. Recently, I woke up for one of those early events to find that my electricity was out. Previously, that would have been as much excuse as I needed to roll back into bed and avoid the day. Instead, I not only got ready in the dark, but I arrived early and was cheery all day.
Those may seem like simple examples to some. To me, they are small samples of a huge life change. Since I've gotten back, I've broken up with my boyfriend, and I'm handling it as well as those things can be handled. I've also started becoming more comfortable with sharing my feelings (I recently outed myself as an atheist, which was huge for me) and expressing my needs (I told a family member I wasn't in a place to receive guests right now, which I normally would never have done no matter how true it was). I'm probably still not communicating as well as I could be, but I'm trying to be more open when I do.
The huge change is that I'm off all antidepressants. I've tried going off before, with horrible results. Now, I'm able to be off the medication and remain as stable and up as I normally would be on the meds. THAT IS HUGE!
I can't fully explain the science behind rTMS. I have a broad understanding of the basics, without enough knowledge to back up any arguments or answer any deep questions. Still, I feel comfortable saying that somehow it works. Or, at least, it worked for me. I'm figuring out this new life with little attitude changes and increased gratification along the way. I don't think any placebo effect could still be with me this long. This is the real thing.
Hooray!
