The Challenges of the Holidays

About a week and a half ago, I slid on ice while walking my dog in his stroller (as a result of a broken leg). I was knocked unconscious. Fortunately, a kind neighbor saw me and took me to the hospital, where I was treated and released. Not fun, but not major either. However, it seemed to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I had several other high stress things going on in my life at the time. Being in the hospital reminded me of how heavy life's burdens can be to bear alone. My closest friends are nearly fifty miles roundtrip from my house. While I know I could have called them, I didn't really NEED anything. I just wanted someone to be there, to care. That didn't feel like a valid reason to disrupt anyone's day.

A few days after, I sent an email to friends and family letting them know I wasn't in my best emotional state. I have learned that I'm of much more danger to myself when I don't talk about what's going on. The letter was primarily to serve as my own form of accountability, but it also alerted people to check in on me and help with that accountability.

Now the holidays are here. It's fairly common knowledge that there's a peak in suicide attempts at holidays. Lots of emotions come with the holiday season. Family drama resurfaces. Financial stress peaks. Loss feels magnified. Loneliness feels omnipresent.

For me, holidays leave me feeling insignificant. I wait for everyone else to create their holiday plans, and see where I can fit in. It's like I'm the constant third-wheel. My parents planned travel to visit their siblings. My siblings have houses full of small children with lots of Santa chaos. I could join any of them, but I feel like more of a spectator than a participant.

So, this year I'm staying home by myself for Christmas. It's a choice I made and I feel okay about it. Initially, my feelings were hurt that my parents made travel plans without checking on my holiday plans. Probably I still feel a little hurt, but mostly I've realized that I'm grown and my parents' days of planning their lives around me have long passed. They have both experienced losses in their families, and it's understandable for them to want to reconnect with their extended families.

The most important thing I try to share with others is the importance of personal accountability. It's natural and easy to want to point the finger at the ways others have let you down. The important thing to remember is that we can't control how others treat us; we can only control our response to that treatment.

Holidays can be the hardest times to stay on a path to recovery and growth. For me, I realized it would be less stressful to spend Christmas like any other day, rather than surrounding myself in situations that highlight that third-wheel feeling. I will still have gift exchanges with family, but I will do so privately so that it feels like a special moment rather than an intrusion. If someone you care about struggles at other times, it's likely that the holidays are harder whether that is stated or not. Try to make them feel really included if you can. If you are that person who struggles, have a holiday plan. You know best what your needs are.

A Book in the Making

This blog is the most difficult to write. I have struggled for most of my life with chronic depression, but have only began discussing it with any openness in the last two years. I now work for a company that works to be proactive in caring for people with mental health issues such as depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Through that job, I have found the upside of my struggles: using my experiences to help other people.

I am certified in several mental health programs. As this blog is not specifically related to my job, I will not post many details, but welcome questions you may have via email. If you know someone in East Tennessee who needs and wants help, I am often able to assist at no charge (or I can recommend other resources if not). I also lead support groups and conduct trainings to various groups including churches and schools.

The big change that came with this job for me was feeling hope for the first time in a long time. For years, I heard that I should "just snap out of it" or "decide to be happy". If only it were that easy. Suddenly I was hearing that things could change, and I had help creating a plan to make that change happen. I finally opened up to close friends and family, and taught them how to be a part of helping me. I had been afraid to ask for help because I didn't want to be a burden. What I learned was that bringing them in made me more accountable for my actions, made strong relationships stronger, and provided them with some relief in finally understanding and knowing how to resond.

While I still have rough days, my overall attitude is of choosing my destiny rather than being a victim to it. In coming posts, I hope to have the courage to share some of the struggles I've had along the way. I share my stories because I want to show other people that anything can be overcome. Through my work, I meet so many people who are so trapped in the rage and hurts of the past that they don't see the good of today. It is my ambition to help open their eyes to the potential of tomorrow.

I hope to someday write a book, tentatively titled Why Am I Not More F@*#'d Up?...You Can Repair Your Wounds Too. May this blog be the start of that.