My last treatment went well. Afterwards, Dr. George talked to me about what to expect from here. We discussed the possibility of someday falling back into depression, and he let me know that the sooner I sought rTMS when symptoms returned, the shorter the treatment period I'm likely to need. I wish it were feasible to just get yearly booster treatments as prevention.
I couldn't wait to get home. I grinned from ear to ear as I pressed the 'home' button on my navigation system. The weather was gloomy, but my spirits were high.
When I first arrived home, I was the only one here, so it gave me time to love on the dogs. Arlo wouldn't let me out of his sight. Asha was so excited I was worried she would have an asthma attack.
Later, my boyfriend and I had some heavy conversation that left me thinking about the work I still have ahead of me. Having my depression in remission has not fixed all the other problems in my life that stemmed from the depression.
As I've said before, I felt unimportant most of my life. I've also carried a lot of anger with me, anger that I don't know how to let go of. Because I'm mad at people for hurting me in the past, I always have my guard up and am looking for ways that people may be hurting me now. Does anyone know how to help me move on? I wish I could just decide to forgive and forget, but it doesn't seem that easy to me. I'm always afraid I'll forget the lessons I've learned in life and open myself up for more hurt. So I just live life waiting to see who is going to hurt me next. It becomes my self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think the treatment has had a major impact on me, fighting the depression so I can finally deal with all the aftermath of that depression. But it has also helped me to see clearly how large the mountain is that I have to climb, and I'm scared. I don't know how to undo much of the damage I've done. I don't really know how to change years of learned behavior so that I don't continue to do damage. I don't know how to let go of the hurt and anger.
I had imagined my return home being all sunshine and lollipops, but it's quickly proven to be the next phase of treatment. This one doesn't have any cool devices or magnetic magic. This one is on me, and I don't really know what to do. I am working on setting up an appointment with my therapist. I had hoped for a cure, but I know now that no medical device can undo twenty years of destruction. My life isn't ruined, but it's in need of major repair in ways I didn't understand before.
Helpful advice appreciated.
I get the impression that a lot of "damages and destruction" you want to fix are relationships?? If so, would it be possible to ignore that just for now? Your therapist will be better off advising, of course, but it seems like a better use of youremotionlessl energy is to heal yourself first, and be mindful of immediate day-to-day relationships that aren't mired in years of dysfunction. I'm not saying you won't face or work on those, but give yourself a break. Baby steps!
ReplyDeleteThat's supposed to be "emotional energy".
ReplyDelete