A Lonely Week at Home

Returning home has been harder than I imagined. I wasn't sure how well I would do under the conditions of my normal life, but I hadn't given much thought to how normal life would respond to me.

At work, I feel like I need to apologize for the Stephanie that I was for the last several months before I left. I was irresponsible, lazy, and disinterested much of the time. But when it comes to work, there are no excuses.

At home, I feel like the disappointment in me continues. When someone has gastric bypass surgery, no one expects them to return home as a size two. They know that the procedure has been performed, but the results will take a while. In my situation, it feels like people expect to see a complete change already in place. Perhaps I did so much damage before my procedure that there is no patience left to wait for the changes to all kick in.

The people who are a little more removed from my life - friends I see occasionally, for example - are big cheerleaders of my progress. They don't have to live with the day-to-day. I love these encouragers, and I need them. But I hate all the constant reminders from some of the closer people that I've spent enough of life being unhappy and messing things up... time to shape up! I feel like such a loser.

Here are the areas where I still struggle: My self-esteem is still quite low. I'm insecure about everything because I can't seem to grasp what is and isn't good about me any more. I don't seem to have a focus in life right now, which lives me feeling adrift and restless. I don't know how to fix past hurts, both given and received. I had become so emotionally stunted that I was numb; now I'm experiencing so many emotions that I seem to be on the verge of tears at any given moment. I'm afraid to talk to anyone about anything because I can't seem to talk about my feelings without hurting someone.

Here are the areas where I've improved: I'm trying things again. I'm signing up for dance classes and eating cauliflower and trying to learn French. I feel reasonably able and ready to start the day shortly after I wake up, as opposed to immediately thinking of death. When I'm alone, I feel pretty happy. I like being around people, it's just that interacting with other people makes me worried I'm going to screw something up. That feeling isn't just insecurity; it's based on experience.

Firing neurons are only going to take me so far. I feel like I don't know how to live my own life anymore. As I've said several times now, I'm scared. I'm also lonely, not because people aren't there, but because I feel like I have to disconnect from myself to be there with them. I really want to talk about and process all these emotions, but that subject seems to have worn out its welcome.