I’m weepy again today, but this time it’s tears of joy and gratitude. Get cozy, friends. I have a lot to say tonight. If you have a gag reflex for sappiness, you may want to just close your browser window now.
I began today by thinking about getting a gift basket together for all the folks at the Brain Stimulation Lab at MUSC. I often feel like my own job is thankless, and that no matter how hard I try, nothing I do makes any major impact. It has been heavy on my mind that I want these guys to know that they’ve made a HUGE difference in at least one person’s life.
I don’t feel like I can accurately describe all the changes in me yet because I don’t know how much I still have yet to see. Maybe I’ll get back home and discover that I want to sleep on the other side of the bed or that I love pinto beans. Maybe I’ll accomplish twice as much as I used, or maybe my contentment with myself will lead to less need to prove myself and I’ll become lazy. Maybe I’ll discover a superpower, like being able to open the refrigerator with my head due to residual magnetic fields.
I can say that the underlying tension that was always in me is gone now. Not just soothed, but GONE. I smile more at the beauty of the world. I think about happy things. I don’t imagine my own death or spend my time thinking of the hundreds of things I’ve messed up on. I have a little more patience. I have a lot more interest in life.
My appreciation extends beyond the lab folks and into much deeper relationships. All of my friends have had reason to dump me, but they’ve stuck around and even loved me. One of them literally saved my life. Another started me on the path to rTMS. All of my friends have really kept me going while I’ve been here, emailing, calling and texting words of encouragement and love. Some even made the long drive here to keep me from being too alone.
My family and I have had a rocky relationship for a long time. We’ve always loved each other, but I know that I’ve been hard for them to understand. They’re trying to understand, though. They want to be supportive instead of continuing to sweep the topic under the rug. We’re still working to figure out our new dynamic. Just when they start figuring out how to talk to depressed Steph, I go and get happy.
A lot of my depression has a chicken-or-egg relationship with my self –esteem. For most of my life, I’ve wanted to be the most important person in someone’s life. My parents naturally had to give their love to all their kids, and my siblings tended to be the squeaky wheels getting the grease when we were young. My siblings grew their own families quickly enough that I never achieved the level of importance that I sought with them either. My ex-husband found his addiction to be more important than me. The boyfriend after him found his other girlfriend to be more important. My last boyfriend … I don’t know. He was focused on his own life more than our life together, I guess.
My boyfriend now leaves me with no doubt that I’m the most important person in his life. He would walk away from any other need or obligation in his life to help me if I said I needed it. He has his quirks and he drives me crazy sometimes, but I feel secure for the first time in a long time. I know that he would love me just as much if this treatment hadn’t worked, and he would be cheering me on to keep trying. If nothing ever worked, he would put up with the rough days because I’m worth it to him, even then. He’s what I’ve been looking for, in a slightly neurotic package. But then I shouldn’t throw stones from my glass house. He helps me be hopeful, and I’m glad this treatment has helped me appreciate that more.
Today was my last Tuesday of treatment. I’m so close to home I can smell it. The hours can’t move quickly enough, though. I can’t wait for the new me to take over the old me’s life, especially knowing that the rest of the cast of characters will be there with me.
Awesome!
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