Treatment Day Thirty 1/6/12

A quarter will buy you six minutes in the dryer or twenty minutes at most parking meters. Locals refer to US-17 as Savannah Highway. Twilight Zone comes on weeknights at 11pm on channel 4.2. Charleston, as soon as I start to know you, it's time to leave you. Will I miss you? NOPE!!!

When I'm driving home and I need to pee, the urge intensifies significantly when I get within that last mile or so. That's exactly how I feel today; the closer I get to home, the more I need to be there now.

Charleston is a lovely city. There's lots of history, the people are friendly, and the weather is pleasant this time of year. But it isn't HOME.

At this point, I'm here as a courtesy. My one last treatment isn't going to make all the difference in how I feel. But the deal was that I let them study me, I get the treatment for free. They've upheld their end, so I've got to uphold mine. The tests on Monday are the reason I'm not home already. I am honoring my commitment, but with a little annoyance that the one day of broken equipment has left me here for this last weekend. Had it not failed that one day weeks ago, I'd be on my own couch right now, smothered with love. Oh well.

My summary of the treatment is that it has worked for me. The studies indicate that half who receive the treatment experience noticeable improvement; one-third reach remission. It's a big gamble to take, especially if you're paying the $15,000 out-of-pocket price. If you're able to pay that, if you can get insurance to pay it, or if you can get in on a study and can handle the time commitment, I definitely think it's worth it. In Tennessee, practices are currently offering it in at least the Chattanooga and Nashville areas (I think Memphis too), and there are rumors that it's headed to Knoxville. You cannot receive rTMS if you have metal in your head, other than fillings in your teeth. Clinical trials have specific standards, which generally include a history of trying anti-depressants without success, fairly stable but depressed mood now (non-suicidal), no methamphetamines, no current pregnancy, at least age twenty-five (I think).

Almost time to go home. I just washed my last load at the laundromat. So now what?

My treatment has made me feel more optimistic and interested in life. It hasn't taken away all of life's hurts. I have the memory of an elephant, and I know a lot of things that have been said to me and about me. Some were well-intentioned, some were just hurtful. Do I wipe the slate clean and pretend that I haven't been hurt? Do I address these things? Right now, I'm just avoiding some people in my life because I'm not sure how to handle these things. My dad is an easy scenario. He said (actually wrote) very hurtful things to me directly and wasn't really apologetic. Coupled with his refusal to discuss anything and our rocky history, I can avoid him forever and be fine with that. Other people have said things that hurt as much, but either thought I didn't know what they'd said or thought they were being helpful (as my dad initially did). I don't know where to go with those.

Also, what do I do with my newfound superpower of happiness? I at least know the start of that answer. My first focus is on my physical health. Years of anti-depressants with bad side effects and depression with no energy have left me in less than ideal shape. No more pills and added energy sound like a recipe for success.

Though I hate having a winter birthday (I really always wanted a birthday pool party), the upside is that it falls three weeks after New Year's Day. While everyone else is just giving up on their resolutions, I'm starting mine. I figure my New Year starts on my birthday. With that in mind, and my goal for improved physical health, I prepare for my Year of Transformation. My baby-step goals to get started are:

1. Drink at least 1.5L of water per day (I frequently have days of zero water)
2. Eat at least one vegetable serving per day (I frequently have days of zero vegetables)
3. Exercise at least three days per week

I hope to over-achieve, but I wanted realistic, attainable goals to start. I've already started drinking the water. Today I looked up recipes and ordered some cookbooks that are basically made for disguising vegetables in recipes for kids. I think I want to do the Couch to 5k program for my exercise. I don't love running, but it's really the only exercise I do well with doing consistently and it makes me feel like I've had a real workout. I'll have decided for sure (and kicked it all into gear) by my birthday in two weeks.

I plan to continue blogging after treatment is over. I've received a lot of positive response to it, and I enjoy it. I also want to share whether or not the treatment continues to work. And now, you all are my accountability partners for my new goals.

Cheers! (Raising my water glass)