I haven't posted in a while. I keep thinking that I'll set up a facebook page for my blog, to make it easier for readers to follow and share. I got the idea from my fave blog, Single Dad Laughing. But I still haven't gotten around to doing it, so I thought I should at least keep writing and eventually add the fb element.
Here's what's going on in my life:
It's been more than three months since I finished my rTMS treatment. I continue to see changes and improvement. Little things that no one else would notice. I check my voicemail every day. I have increased patience. I like to go out and do more social stuff. I set goals, and stick to them. I've started leading some new support groups and they are growing and doing well.
I've continued my efforts at better physical health. My experiments with hidden vegetables didn't turn out so great. Some of the recipes were good and hid their 'secret' ingredients well, but all of them required more time and preparation than I am typically willing to give to cooking for one. So, I just try to eat more of the foods that I like that are healthy. I eat some spinach almost every day because it's super healthy and easy to incorporate into a salad or even a smoothie. I've been eating more smoothies, with blueberries and other high anti-oxidant stuff that blends well.
I've also returned to the world of exercise. I had taken a long leave of absence. I felt depressed, lazy, smothered... so many feelings that didn't lead me to the gym. Those feelings are gone (or at least lessened), and I feel motivated again. It's still not the easiest choice to make in my day, but I've been building it into my schedule to make it more likely to happen. I've also gotten a new workout partner who typically meets me two days a week, and am hoping to find someone else to meet me two additional days per week. I know that I do best when I have someone to be accountable to. Anyone in the Knox area who wants a Rush workout buddy, give me a shout.
On the dating front, I am the most happy being single I have ever been. I tried to maintain a friendship with my most recent ex, but he went a little too far with that, asking me for advice on how to handle a situation with a girl he was interested in. LESS THAN A MONTH AFTER MOVING OUT OF MY HOUSE. I think it actually was good for me, helping me become soooo over it that it turned me off to dating all together, at least for a while. Just the thought of dating exhausts me a little right now.
There are aftereffects, though. The girl he was interested in is more than ten years younger than me. The ex before him (who didn't want to get married after 3.5 years together) is also now dating a much younger girl. It's brought a few feelings of jealousy (why do they have love and I don't?) and insecurities (I am getting long in the tooth for the dating world). So, obviously, I'm not completely okay being single or those things wouldn't bother me.
As usual, I'm keeping busy in the rest of my life. The house always has some projects to offer. I spent a few days working at a new store that was preparing to open. I've been helping my brother work on a business venture he's starting. I'm still on several boards and keep busy with them. Throw in my regular job, time with Arlo and friends, and sleep, and that's pretty much my life right now. I feel quite peaceful.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Two and A Half Months Later Or So...
I've been home from my rTMS treatment for about two and a half months or so, and figured it was time to update everyone.
I felt pretty darn good after my treatment, but was worried that it was mostly placebo effect or something that would "wear off". At times I've been watchful of my behavior, looking for every peak and valley. At other times, I haven't been looking, but have noticed in hindsight some interesting behaviors.
Here are a few biggies:
A week or two ago, I was driving down the road and saw a dead dog. My immediate thought was, "Poor thing, it didn't deserve that. I wish it could have at least seen a better end." I quickly remembered that it was only a few months ago that I had been envious of a different dead animal on the side of the road, wishing I could escape life as it had. What a difference!
I've also had several events that had early morning starts lately. Mornings have always been my hardest time. It was more than me just not being a morning person (I'm still not a morning person); it was a symptom of melancholic depression. Recently, I woke up for one of those early events to find that my electricity was out. Previously, that would have been as much excuse as I needed to roll back into bed and avoid the day. Instead, I not only got ready in the dark, but I arrived early and was cheery all day.
Those may seem like simple examples to some. To me, they are small samples of a huge life change. Since I've gotten back, I've broken up with my boyfriend, and I'm handling it as well as those things can be handled. I've also started becoming more comfortable with sharing my feelings (I recently outed myself as an atheist, which was huge for me) and expressing my needs (I told a family member I wasn't in a place to receive guests right now, which I normally would never have done no matter how true it was). I'm probably still not communicating as well as I could be, but I'm trying to be more open when I do.
The huge change is that I'm off all antidepressants. I've tried going off before, with horrible results. Now, I'm able to be off the medication and remain as stable and up as I normally would be on the meds. THAT IS HUGE!
I can't fully explain the science behind rTMS. I have a broad understanding of the basics, without enough knowledge to back up any arguments or answer any deep questions. Still, I feel comfortable saying that somehow it works. Or, at least, it worked for me. I'm figuring out this new life with little attitude changes and increased gratification along the way. I don't think any placebo effect could still be with me this long. This is the real thing.
Hooray!
I felt pretty darn good after my treatment, but was worried that it was mostly placebo effect or something that would "wear off". At times I've been watchful of my behavior, looking for every peak and valley. At other times, I haven't been looking, but have noticed in hindsight some interesting behaviors.
Here are a few biggies:
A week or two ago, I was driving down the road and saw a dead dog. My immediate thought was, "Poor thing, it didn't deserve that. I wish it could have at least seen a better end." I quickly remembered that it was only a few months ago that I had been envious of a different dead animal on the side of the road, wishing I could escape life as it had. What a difference!
I've also had several events that had early morning starts lately. Mornings have always been my hardest time. It was more than me just not being a morning person (I'm still not a morning person); it was a symptom of melancholic depression. Recently, I woke up for one of those early events to find that my electricity was out. Previously, that would have been as much excuse as I needed to roll back into bed and avoid the day. Instead, I not only got ready in the dark, but I arrived early and was cheery all day.
Those may seem like simple examples to some. To me, they are small samples of a huge life change. Since I've gotten back, I've broken up with my boyfriend, and I'm handling it as well as those things can be handled. I've also started becoming more comfortable with sharing my feelings (I recently outed myself as an atheist, which was huge for me) and expressing my needs (I told a family member I wasn't in a place to receive guests right now, which I normally would never have done no matter how true it was). I'm probably still not communicating as well as I could be, but I'm trying to be more open when I do.
The huge change is that I'm off all antidepressants. I've tried going off before, with horrible results. Now, I'm able to be off the medication and remain as stable and up as I normally would be on the meds. THAT IS HUGE!
I can't fully explain the science behind rTMS. I have a broad understanding of the basics, without enough knowledge to back up any arguments or answer any deep questions. Still, I feel comfortable saying that somehow it works. Or, at least, it worked for me. I'm figuring out this new life with little attitude changes and increased gratification along the way. I don't think any placebo effect could still be with me this long. This is the real thing.
Hooray!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Four Weeks at Home
It's been a while since I posted a blog. I've discovered it's a lot harder to keep up with from home. Not only do I have a job and all my other obligations eating my time, but it's also harder to do with other people around. Partly, it's just harder having the distractions of other people and finding the quiet reflection time that goes best with writing. Mostly, having people around makes me want to write about them and their changed relationships with me, but I think it's important to not do that. This is a place for my stories, and while others may be part of those stories, I try to keep them out of my blog for their own privacy.
So out of respect for others, I won't talk about the bumps in the road my relationships have seen since I came back. I'll just say that I have notably changed, and even good change can mean disruption and discord. It has brought positive relationship changes as well, but those never seem so all-encompassing and thought-provoking.
The biggest change I notice in myself is a renewed interest in things I used to enjoy but had lost interest in. For me, that mostly means just getting stuff accomplished. That may mean reconfiguring my office layout or taking another attempt at raccoon-proofing my garbage cans. The joy for me is in the accomplishment more so than in the actual task. I guess that's enjoying the destination more than the journey.
I think I'm also more relaxed and content. Stuff still gets on my nerves from time to time, but the anger doesn't seem to stay with me as long. I feel like I spend less time with my defenses up, watching for the way someone is going to hurt me next. It's still there though.
My lingering issues include a generally low self-esteem. Mostly, I don't ever feel like I've done enough. Enough for who? Enough of what? Even I don't know the answers to those questions, but I just know it's not enough. I come up short in some way in nearly everything I do. I guess that's why I enjoy accomplishing tasks so much... it feels done. It feels Enough.
I still have to check in with MUSC every two weeks to report my feelings and discuss the success (or lack thereof) of my treatment. Tomorrow is my next check-in. I still consider it a success (NOT lack thereof). Life is different. Life is good.
So out of respect for others, I won't talk about the bumps in the road my relationships have seen since I came back. I'll just say that I have notably changed, and even good change can mean disruption and discord. It has brought positive relationship changes as well, but those never seem so all-encompassing and thought-provoking.
The biggest change I notice in myself is a renewed interest in things I used to enjoy but had lost interest in. For me, that mostly means just getting stuff accomplished. That may mean reconfiguring my office layout or taking another attempt at raccoon-proofing my garbage cans. The joy for me is in the accomplishment more so than in the actual task. I guess that's enjoying the destination more than the journey.
I think I'm also more relaxed and content. Stuff still gets on my nerves from time to time, but the anger doesn't seem to stay with me as long. I feel like I spend less time with my defenses up, watching for the way someone is going to hurt me next. It's still there though.
My lingering issues include a generally low self-esteem. Mostly, I don't ever feel like I've done enough. Enough for who? Enough of what? Even I don't know the answers to those questions, but I just know it's not enough. I come up short in some way in nearly everything I do. I guess that's why I enjoy accomplishing tasks so much... it feels done. It feels Enough.
I still have to check in with MUSC every two weeks to report my feelings and discuss the success (or lack thereof) of my treatment. Tomorrow is my next check-in. I still consider it a success (NOT lack thereof). Life is different. Life is good.
Friday, January 20, 2012
What It's Like to be Molested
I've heard it in my personal life, professionally, and even on episodes of Intervention: "It's been XX years. Why can't you just get over it?"
It's an understandable question. I can assure you that even the victim asks that question of themselves from time to time. With enough time, it may not be forgotten, but it seems like it should become a matter of history, the way you may tell the story of a broken leg in third grade without still feeling the pain. But it's different.
No one can fully understand it who hasn't had it happen. Here's my closest analogy: Imagine that your youngest child died. It doesn't matter whether they died suddenly in an accident or if they had any illness that was known to lead to death. Either way, it's tragic because it's a child. Initially, you may respond to your grief in a number of ways. You may withdraw. You may want to have more children or you might choose to never have another child. You will likely be angry, sad, and in denial at various points. You may be so hurt that your marriage fails.
Now, imagine yourself ten or twenty years later. You are probably no longer immobilized by grief, but you are no where near forgetting that child. You can probably talk about him or her with only a twinge of pain, but it's the little unexpected reminders that hurt the most. Perhaps you see another child who reminds you of the one you lost. Maybe the smell of cocoa reminds you of the snow day you had together that ended with hot chocolate. You might find one of her hairbows in a box in the attic. These unexpected reminders are the ones that bring the most emotion. You've gotten used to saying her name, but you'd forgotten how soft her hair was in that bow. You get caught in those moments.
When you're molested, it begins with that same tragic blow. Whether it happens once or over the course of years, it still hurts. Some people withdraw. Some people become hypersexual; some are never interested in sex again. You will likely be angry, sad, and in denial at various points. You may be so hurt that your relationships fail.
Ten or twenty years later, you have moved on but not forgotten. You may be able to talk about it, but you'll still be caught off-guard by reminders. Your boyfriend asks you to rub his tummy, and it reminds you of the "white jelly" that grandpa would have on his. Someone walks by wearing the same Old Spice. A friend makes a joke about how saggy an old man's scrotum gets, and you remember where and when you learned that first-hand.
It makes me angry when those reminders come up, especially since I'm not always prepared. I don't want to feel like my grandfather still has that power over me after all these years. Often, it's the furthest thing from my mind, which makes it hit harder when it arrives. Essentially, it feels like my grandpa murdered my own child, which was me. I hurt and I grieve and I still feel raw about it, even after all these years. My experience with molestation carried on for years and was followed by rape, so I have a lot of fodder for memories and triggers.
If you know someone who this happened to, allow them to grieve. Yes, normal life should eventually resume, but it's a life that has been touched by tragedy. Try to understand and try to help them move forward. How? Listen. Let them talk without feeling like you're thinking, "Not this again". Respond with love and compassion. Tell them you're sorry for all the hurts, and you're proud of them for being strong enough to make it through. Tell them all the other things in life about them that make you proud. Their molestors made them feel horrible about themselves; remind them that they are good and worthy and loved. Even if it's been XX years.
It's an understandable question. I can assure you that even the victim asks that question of themselves from time to time. With enough time, it may not be forgotten, but it seems like it should become a matter of history, the way you may tell the story of a broken leg in third grade without still feeling the pain. But it's different.
No one can fully understand it who hasn't had it happen. Here's my closest analogy: Imagine that your youngest child died. It doesn't matter whether they died suddenly in an accident or if they had any illness that was known to lead to death. Either way, it's tragic because it's a child. Initially, you may respond to your grief in a number of ways. You may withdraw. You may want to have more children or you might choose to never have another child. You will likely be angry, sad, and in denial at various points. You may be so hurt that your marriage fails.
Now, imagine yourself ten or twenty years later. You are probably no longer immobilized by grief, but you are no where near forgetting that child. You can probably talk about him or her with only a twinge of pain, but it's the little unexpected reminders that hurt the most. Perhaps you see another child who reminds you of the one you lost. Maybe the smell of cocoa reminds you of the snow day you had together that ended with hot chocolate. You might find one of her hairbows in a box in the attic. These unexpected reminders are the ones that bring the most emotion. You've gotten used to saying her name, but you'd forgotten how soft her hair was in that bow. You get caught in those moments.
When you're molested, it begins with that same tragic blow. Whether it happens once or over the course of years, it still hurts. Some people withdraw. Some people become hypersexual; some are never interested in sex again. You will likely be angry, sad, and in denial at various points. You may be so hurt that your relationships fail.
Ten or twenty years later, you have moved on but not forgotten. You may be able to talk about it, but you'll still be caught off-guard by reminders. Your boyfriend asks you to rub his tummy, and it reminds you of the "white jelly" that grandpa would have on his. Someone walks by wearing the same Old Spice. A friend makes a joke about how saggy an old man's scrotum gets, and you remember where and when you learned that first-hand.
It makes me angry when those reminders come up, especially since I'm not always prepared. I don't want to feel like my grandfather still has that power over me after all these years. Often, it's the furthest thing from my mind, which makes it hit harder when it arrives. Essentially, it feels like my grandpa murdered my own child, which was me. I hurt and I grieve and I still feel raw about it, even after all these years. My experience with molestation carried on for years and was followed by rape, so I have a lot of fodder for memories and triggers.
If you know someone who this happened to, allow them to grieve. Yes, normal life should eventually resume, but it's a life that has been touched by tragedy. Try to understand and try to help them move forward. How? Listen. Let them talk without feeling like you're thinking, "Not this again". Respond with love and compassion. Tell them you're sorry for all the hurts, and you're proud of them for being strong enough to make it through. Tell them all the other things in life about them that make you proud. Their molestors made them feel horrible about themselves; remind them that they are good and worthy and loved. Even if it's been XX years.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Gettin' in the Groove
Things seem to be looking up.
I've had several conversations with friends and family in the last week that have been filled with love and understanding. Having a blog seems to be a perfect passive-aggressive way to air your frustrations in ways that make people respond. :) And I'm very sincere in my thankfulness for all the encouragement and advice I've received from people who have either had similar struggles or have cared for someone who has.
I'm feeling re-interested in work. In the past few days, several things have come up that both seem important and that suit my talents and position. I have a real need to feel like my work is meaningful, and sometimes it doesn't feel that need. Instead, I'm just bogged down by paperwork and technology issues and people who don't care. All of that is still there to some extent, but I'm doing a better job of looking past it and diving in where I'm needed and passionate.
At home, things are settling down. Folks are getting used to me being back and not seeming amazingly different. The tears have slowed down finally. I made an idiot of myself in my ballet and hip hop classes, but had some fun doing it. Maybe I'll do a little better this week.
My birthday is this week, and that's always a happy thing for me. Getting older doesn't bother me. Being the center of attention for a day definitely makes me feel good. Thirty-six should be a happy new year for me!
I've had several conversations with friends and family in the last week that have been filled with love and understanding. Having a blog seems to be a perfect passive-aggressive way to air your frustrations in ways that make people respond. :) And I'm very sincere in my thankfulness for all the encouragement and advice I've received from people who have either had similar struggles or have cared for someone who has.
I'm feeling re-interested in work. In the past few days, several things have come up that both seem important and that suit my talents and position. I have a real need to feel like my work is meaningful, and sometimes it doesn't feel that need. Instead, I'm just bogged down by paperwork and technology issues and people who don't care. All of that is still there to some extent, but I'm doing a better job of looking past it and diving in where I'm needed and passionate.
At home, things are settling down. Folks are getting used to me being back and not seeming amazingly different. The tears have slowed down finally. I made an idiot of myself in my ballet and hip hop classes, but had some fun doing it. Maybe I'll do a little better this week.
My birthday is this week, and that's always a happy thing for me. Getting older doesn't bother me. Being the center of attention for a day definitely makes me feel good. Thirty-six should be a happy new year for me!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
A Lonely Week at Home
Returning home has been harder than I imagined. I wasn't sure how well I would do under the conditions of my normal life, but I hadn't given much thought to how normal life would respond to me.
At work, I feel like I need to apologize for the Stephanie that I was for the last several months before I left. I was irresponsible, lazy, and disinterested much of the time. But when it comes to work, there are no excuses.
At home, I feel like the disappointment in me continues. When someone has gastric bypass surgery, no one expects them to return home as a size two. They know that the procedure has been performed, but the results will take a while. In my situation, it feels like people expect to see a complete change already in place. Perhaps I did so much damage before my procedure that there is no patience left to wait for the changes to all kick in.
The people who are a little more removed from my life - friends I see occasionally, for example - are big cheerleaders of my progress. They don't have to live with the day-to-day. I love these encouragers, and I need them. But I hate all the constant reminders from some of the closer people that I've spent enough of life being unhappy and messing things up... time to shape up! I feel like such a loser.
Here are the areas where I still struggle: My self-esteem is still quite low. I'm insecure about everything because I can't seem to grasp what is and isn't good about me any more. I don't seem to have a focus in life right now, which lives me feeling adrift and restless. I don't know how to fix past hurts, both given and received. I had become so emotionally stunted that I was numb; now I'm experiencing so many emotions that I seem to be on the verge of tears at any given moment. I'm afraid to talk to anyone about anything because I can't seem to talk about my feelings without hurting someone.
Here are the areas where I've improved: I'm trying things again. I'm signing up for dance classes and eating cauliflower and trying to learn French. I feel reasonably able and ready to start the day shortly after I wake up, as opposed to immediately thinking of death. When I'm alone, I feel pretty happy. I like being around people, it's just that interacting with other people makes me worried I'm going to screw something up. That feeling isn't just insecurity; it's based on experience.
Firing neurons are only going to take me so far. I feel like I don't know how to live my own life anymore. As I've said several times now, I'm scared. I'm also lonely, not because people aren't there, but because I feel like I have to disconnect from myself to be there with them. I really want to talk about and process all these emotions, but that subject seems to have worn out its welcome.
At work, I feel like I need to apologize for the Stephanie that I was for the last several months before I left. I was irresponsible, lazy, and disinterested much of the time. But when it comes to work, there are no excuses.
At home, I feel like the disappointment in me continues. When someone has gastric bypass surgery, no one expects them to return home as a size two. They know that the procedure has been performed, but the results will take a while. In my situation, it feels like people expect to see a complete change already in place. Perhaps I did so much damage before my procedure that there is no patience left to wait for the changes to all kick in.
The people who are a little more removed from my life - friends I see occasionally, for example - are big cheerleaders of my progress. They don't have to live with the day-to-day. I love these encouragers, and I need them. But I hate all the constant reminders from some of the closer people that I've spent enough of life being unhappy and messing things up... time to shape up! I feel like such a loser.
Here are the areas where I still struggle: My self-esteem is still quite low. I'm insecure about everything because I can't seem to grasp what is and isn't good about me any more. I don't seem to have a focus in life right now, which lives me feeling adrift and restless. I don't know how to fix past hurts, both given and received. I had become so emotionally stunted that I was numb; now I'm experiencing so many emotions that I seem to be on the verge of tears at any given moment. I'm afraid to talk to anyone about anything because I can't seem to talk about my feelings without hurting someone.
Here are the areas where I've improved: I'm trying things again. I'm signing up for dance classes and eating cauliflower and trying to learn French. I feel reasonably able and ready to start the day shortly after I wake up, as opposed to immediately thinking of death. When I'm alone, I feel pretty happy. I like being around people, it's just that interacting with other people makes me worried I'm going to screw something up. That feeling isn't just insecurity; it's based on experience.
Firing neurons are only going to take me so far. I feel like I don't know how to live my own life anymore. As I've said several times now, I'm scared. I'm also lonely, not because people aren't there, but because I feel like I have to disconnect from myself to be there with them. I really want to talk about and process all these emotions, but that subject seems to have worn out its welcome.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Back to Life, Back to Reality
My last treatment went well. Afterwards, Dr. George talked to me about what to expect from here. We discussed the possibility of someday falling back into depression, and he let me know that the sooner I sought rTMS when symptoms returned, the shorter the treatment period I'm likely to need. I wish it were feasible to just get yearly booster treatments as prevention.
I couldn't wait to get home. I grinned from ear to ear as I pressed the 'home' button on my navigation system. The weather was gloomy, but my spirits were high.
When I first arrived home, I was the only one here, so it gave me time to love on the dogs. Arlo wouldn't let me out of his sight. Asha was so excited I was worried she would have an asthma attack.
Later, my boyfriend and I had some heavy conversation that left me thinking about the work I still have ahead of me. Having my depression in remission has not fixed all the other problems in my life that stemmed from the depression.
As I've said before, I felt unimportant most of my life. I've also carried a lot of anger with me, anger that I don't know how to let go of. Because I'm mad at people for hurting me in the past, I always have my guard up and am looking for ways that people may be hurting me now. Does anyone know how to help me move on? I wish I could just decide to forgive and forget, but it doesn't seem that easy to me. I'm always afraid I'll forget the lessons I've learned in life and open myself up for more hurt. So I just live life waiting to see who is going to hurt me next. It becomes my self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think the treatment has had a major impact on me, fighting the depression so I can finally deal with all the aftermath of that depression. But it has also helped me to see clearly how large the mountain is that I have to climb, and I'm scared. I don't know how to undo much of the damage I've done. I don't really know how to change years of learned behavior so that I don't continue to do damage. I don't know how to let go of the hurt and anger.
I had imagined my return home being all sunshine and lollipops, but it's quickly proven to be the next phase of treatment. This one doesn't have any cool devices or magnetic magic. This one is on me, and I don't really know what to do. I am working on setting up an appointment with my therapist. I had hoped for a cure, but I know now that no medical device can undo twenty years of destruction. My life isn't ruined, but it's in need of major repair in ways I didn't understand before.
Helpful advice appreciated.
I couldn't wait to get home. I grinned from ear to ear as I pressed the 'home' button on my navigation system. The weather was gloomy, but my spirits were high.
When I first arrived home, I was the only one here, so it gave me time to love on the dogs. Arlo wouldn't let me out of his sight. Asha was so excited I was worried she would have an asthma attack.
Later, my boyfriend and I had some heavy conversation that left me thinking about the work I still have ahead of me. Having my depression in remission has not fixed all the other problems in my life that stemmed from the depression.
As I've said before, I felt unimportant most of my life. I've also carried a lot of anger with me, anger that I don't know how to let go of. Because I'm mad at people for hurting me in the past, I always have my guard up and am looking for ways that people may be hurting me now. Does anyone know how to help me move on? I wish I could just decide to forgive and forget, but it doesn't seem that easy to me. I'm always afraid I'll forget the lessons I've learned in life and open myself up for more hurt. So I just live life waiting to see who is going to hurt me next. It becomes my self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think the treatment has had a major impact on me, fighting the depression so I can finally deal with all the aftermath of that depression. But it has also helped me to see clearly how large the mountain is that I have to climb, and I'm scared. I don't know how to undo much of the damage I've done. I don't really know how to change years of learned behavior so that I don't continue to do damage. I don't know how to let go of the hurt and anger.
I had imagined my return home being all sunshine and lollipops, but it's quickly proven to be the next phase of treatment. This one doesn't have any cool devices or magnetic magic. This one is on me, and I don't really know what to do. I am working on setting up an appointment with my therapist. I had hoped for a cure, but I know now that no medical device can undo twenty years of destruction. My life isn't ruined, but it's in need of major repair in ways I didn't understand before.
Helpful advice appreciated.
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